guy's mind

The moment I'm writing this, I'm on my way for my shared apt. I spent nearly two weeks with my parents, primarily to recharge my batteries and to bring my thoughts into order. (And oh yeah, to install a brandy new comp. for my parents and arrange everything the way they like it.)

I have outlined in previous posts what issues had bothered me before I left my college town. The time with my parents has allowed me to look at them from a distance. It enabled me to draw conclusions for my future actions and the way I look at things now.

First of all, it does not bother me whether the girl who has moved in my neighborhood really is the girl I thought she was. Let's call her Rachelle, to give her a more human face in this blog. I could write books about Rachelle, even though I don't really know her. All I know is that she has a tremendously strong impact on me. In a way, I feel as if she was able to control me. And this has repeatedly frightened me.

When she declined to go out for a cup of coffee with me, I was hurt. When I found out that she was in a relationship, I was hurt. When she waited several days to say thanks for a small Christmas present, I was hurt. Maybe I was not hurt, but much more disappointed. Disappointed of myself. Disappointed that I wasn't able to make her feel attracted to me. Disappointed not to be dating her.

For me, she's beautiful, brilliant, caring, ambitious, and nice -- all in one. She's the every-guy's-dream-blondy-Barbie meets Jeanne d'Arc.

But we didn't match. That's just life. It was simply not meant to be. It's not my fault. But it's not hers, either. There are other guys who have more to offer. Much more. More brains. More money. Better looks. More and better of everything. Who would blame her for wanting to do better?

The idea of her living in my neighborhood freightened me beacause I had been inclined never to see her again. I did not want to. I worked hard to keep her in my past, not letting her be part of my present, or future, in particular. I cried. I cried. I had to find other women I could be interested in. And I have. Not the same. Not equal in any capacity. But they are nice, too. And most of all, they care for me.

Why should I be frightened to meet Rachelle? Why should I feel upset/angry about the idea of her living in my neighborhood? I'm afraid of showing her that she somehow is able to emotionally control me. But I have realized that some things in life, we simply cannot control. Rachelle is one such thing in my life.

I have told girls that I wasn't interested in them. But always, always did I feel flattered when they showed me that they liked me. Based on the image I have, I suppose Rachelle would be flattered as well.

Therefore, it's not the end of the world, whether she lives close to me or not -- whether I will ever see her again or not. I need not be afraid of these intense feelings -- whether they will stay with me for ever or not.

If I ever saw her again, I wouldn't be frightened. I would try to treat her like any special woman. She seems special to me; so what? Why wouldn't she be able to deal with this? And after all, I am sure she would not even know.