guy's mind

Have a look at the stunning firework we saw on the lake of Zurich:



The new year started almost a week ago, and only now is there a new post about my life; my soul life, and my pursuit of finding someone and something I truly love, truly love to do.

My inner desire of a major change is constantly increasing. Today it even leaves me sleepless, and makes me post early in the morning.

There are so many reasons why this is: I feel unhappy with my current college life, and do not exactly know why. I keep wondering whether it is my 'apartment situation' which includes Ben, a guy who I once thought was one of my best friends, and now I only feel betrayed by. At this time, everytime he's around I only feel rivalry on an utmost personal level, I perceive the world to be an evil place. Does it take only one person to give me this feeling? Nevertheless, I repeatedly feel he won't understand what I say, what I mean to say, and how I mean it.

Isn't life about doing what you really want to do? If you really, really want to? I think so. This is what I tell everybody who believes I am gay. "Don't you think I would have come out of the closet years ago if I wanted to live this lifestyle?" I don't think anybody wants to hide these days, or has to. So what would they think if they ask me? That I am not thinking?

If someone has the choice I truly believe they should do what they like best. This is the way I grew up.

I have always dreamt of spending some time in the States, somewhere on the West coast. (Not only because my dermatologist advised me to often go to warm and sunny places with a beach and salt water.)

From what I know the culture of people on the West coast is more open-minded, maybe more relaxed than what I perceive my present environment to be.

I keep wondering, why do I not just do it? Look for some job, rent an apartment, and get a ticket to San Diego; and off I go? I do not know.

Certainly, Rachelle is something I cannot let go, something I haven't been able to let go for a long time. Even though it seems so obvious. I used to belive (and still do) that she moved into the house next to where I live. Inspite of that, I wrote letters to her, made her presents, contacted her in so many ways. And there would be no answer to what I really said. No answer at all. What other explanation is there that she either does not actually live there, or is not interested at all? I'm coming to the conclusion there is none.

Why should I wait for something that is never going to happen? I might as well strive for my childhood dream and spend a couple of years somewhere abroad. I could take a sort of a 'vacation' from my life her. Make up for my wild teenage years I think I'm missing.

Life is never straightforward, right? I cannot plan everything. My life cannot ride like it's on rails. Nobody's life does.

I will have to fight for what I want to do. And, first things first, find a way to get out of the Swiss Armed Forces.