guy's mind

What more can I say. Yesterday was the last day to spend in my college town. Even though the initial reason was exactly to move away again (with a degree in my pockets), leaving my place was anything but easy. Farewells are never easy - they say. And yet, I imagine, saying good-bye is much easier when nothing is left unsaid, and even more so when you actually get to say good-bye.

It may sound like an unending story, but I truly hoped to say good-bye to Rachelle. Or, at least, to the person I believed to be her. Confused as I currently am, I think final strokes should be considered a human right. My letters, gifts, and questions have equally remained unanswered. Looking upon my last months, I know this is what bothers me most. I simply cannot imagine how someone could not have cleared up my confusion; if, in fact, it was a confusion.

What feelings does this evoke in me? Sadness, excitement, and a lack of comprehension above all. The latter is what I've strived to eradicate. Unsuccessfully, I must add.

Certainly, there is more. More of what bothers me. Even though the incident took place a long time ago, it hurts as much as if it had been yesterday. After a (too) wild night in a club, I experienced memory lapses on the following day. Very rarely had I not been able to remember what had happened the night before. Even worse that on the subsequent days, it dawned to me that my drinking way too much, my tomboyishness which resulted in inappropriate talks, dicta, and gestures may very well have involved Rachelle.

What I remember is that I hugged her, and asked her inappropriate questions. I remember she gently slapped me in the face.

Did this truly happen? Was it a mere nightmare? How can you say sorry to someone and make amends if you are not sure whether it happened?

I have been trying to find this out for a long time. My feeling told me that it was so. And then, there was my room mate who re-enacted the scene in front of me. He veiled the situation in a joke. A joke that contains so much truth to me.

From that moment, I was sure it must truly have happened. And, of course, thoughts and see-saw followed as to what I can do.

What I am currently doing is to find out why he played this joke. I truly hope to find clarity soon. Is not it all about clarity, and knowing what is real?